That Thing That Was Good To ME
Last night at church during deliverance and healing I thought about my lifestyle of perversion and justified it. I remember my pastor mentioning that we have to call it by name. Mine WAS homosexuality.
I mentally thought, ‘no, not them. They haven’t done anything bad to me.” I associated deliverance with pain.
It took a moment, but I finally added ex-girlfriends to the list and through God’s grace I know that root was cauterized, too.
Exposed and cauterized. Soul ties, gone.
Thank you, Jesus.
I realized after service that God is on my side, He is not against me.
My church is Heart Of Worship Ministries
End of Journal Entry
I believe in gateways, entry points. I wasn’t born homosexual I became homosexual. Through generational curses, molestations, porno, prostitution, CURIOSITY, and lust. I always wanted more. One might think that my vagina had gone through enough, that I shouldn’t keep wanting to use it. But on the contrary; my vagina was consuming me. The more I refused to entertain it the more I became curious in other ways to entertain myself. After a while I was out of control and ended up in the arms of a pimp. I enjoyed the fame and lifestyle, but the work was what I did not want to do. I had a house, so I housed prostitutes and watched a week-old baby while the mama left. I was transporting them around. One night I got up to go get the mom and realized that I left the baby in the house.
“I thought, how could I go get the mama without her baby?”
I got out the car and went in to get the baby. I know she would have cared if I showed up without her baby, she loved her baby. I just had totally forgot I was babysitting. If you thought, like I did, how is she able to work after giving birth last week? Well, easy. A woman has three holes and two hands and between a man and a woman there is a very lucrative imagination.
Before and after the pimp I was introduced to women through the men who recognized my curiosity. With me, it was because I was so willing to engage that it wasn’t too hard to recognize in me that I would probably go along with it. Trois and Quad’s were not all that fun anymore. After climbing that ladder, coming down was hard. People don’t want to deal with you when you start to say no. I wanted the company and lifestyle, but I just didn’t want to do the work anymore.
Eventually, I got married, twice, after this, divorced twice, and left men altogether. That is how I related hurt to men and thought women would be better. The transition wasn’t hard at all.
It was September 2015. Don’t ask me how I knew but I knew it was God who was correcting and bothering me about my girlfriend. A voice would speak to me and told me what I was doing was wrong. It actually told me that I was going to go to hell. I grew up in a church that reminded you that hell was real, so I had a fear of that place already. Well, during this month I could not take it anymore. Our relationship was already over one year old and we were living together. One night I told her I could not do this anymore. She left the next day. Yes, I hurt. I cried.
Just like the girls before her, I had made the decision not to stay so I caused the pain. I never associated them as wrong because they did not cause me pain that resulted in separation. I controlled the exits.
So, last night in church during deliverance and healing I did not add them to my list of names. While I was calling out names of people or instances or circumstances that needed healing, I just did not think that I needed healing of ex-girlfriends. I was wrong.
Just because I did not feel pain did not give them a right to stay.
Yes, I’m saved and speak in tongues but when we give space to the enemy, no matter how small or tight that corner is, he takes it. He moves in and starts growing; stretching out. Any light in that area becomes less and darkness grows until it manifests outwardly. That became my life until last night.
No more perversion or its friends hanging around my head any more. I had not engaged in homosexuality acts since September 2015, but the lust and thoughts tormented me. Many women and men of God saw it and laid hands but never exposed the root nor explained anything. One decided not to call it by name because he did not want to embarrass me.
So last night my pastor, Pastor Denard Street, just spoke to the church. Softly. He identified different aspects of different roots and basically asked did we want to let them go. After providing us with scripture and knowledge he just simply allowed us to make a decision. I always heard that I needed to want to let go of some things but to be told that with knowledge is profound. PRICELSS. I made an educated decision not an emotional one. So liberating.
John 8:36 – If the son therefore shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.
Many times, I have just thought about what was wrong or sin in my life and they left. No more problems with doing those things. I had control over those things. Deliverance was just that, a thought. But I also realized that all I decided to do was to stop doing those things. That did not mean that they were no longer there to bother me, I just chose to not participate in them. There is a difference.
Now I am free and free indeed.
If you are ever in the Arizona, area my church is Heart of Worship Ministries, Pastor Denard Street.
Located at: 6144 E Main St. Mesa, AZ 85205